I’m going to do the whole LiveJournal Drivel (TM) thing now, so get comfortable.
Yesterday – now I know they’re here to stay
Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day at work, starting with apathy, sheer glee in the middle and ending with that sick, nasty feeling in my stomach. A major cause of these emotions was things happening with money, which is something that bothers me. I have more money coming in now than I have ever had, but it’s also the first time in my life I’m going to start having more money going out than coming in – because I’m going to University. I actually have to care about money, something which I hate over all else. I also have to care about mundane things like cooking, cleaning and ironing which I generally avoid at all costs.
Feeling
I’m experiencing a lot of self doubt and a reasonable amount of stress, but apart from that it still doesn’t feel like leaving home in a couple of days is actually real. Y’know, the town I’ve lived in since I was born.
In a suprising twist I’m being treated like shit by senior people at work in the last week of my mostly great job, but only because I’m caught up in the rivals of others. The urge to speak the hard truth and leave utter devistation in my wake is irresistable but I have to try and not.
Memories
I’ve just been going through my things – the box I have under my bed with all the precious things in it, not valuable things, things with memories. This above anything else has made leaving home feel real. I think about all the people in those memories and what they’re doing now and I’m reminded of life’s habit of running away when you’re not looking. Interetingly there’s not a single photo in that box.
Collecting
I was emailed by one of the Polish girls I met whilst interrailing today and a while back was emailed by the two Lauras from Spain. This has given me a sudden urge to collect the addresses and phone numbers of every person I know or have ever known!
If you know me, please please send me your address and phone number. I will probably never use it, but it will make me feel much better knowing I have it there. email tola at hippygeek dot co dot uk.
I’ve had urges like this recently, urges to collect things, to back up hard disks, make lists of things to remember and things to do, to document everything so I don’t forget. A shrink would probably say it’s all down to repressed feelings about leaving things behind.
I wrote a poem last night, the type of drivel you write all in one go but actually means something to yourself. The poem was called “Obsession” and was a reflection on how obsessive my personality is – towards ideas, people and objects. I’m not sure whether it’s something to worry about or try to change or what.
Busy
My to do list on the computer has a very long scroll bar next to it. Very long. Added to that I have my finger in more pies than Weebl could eat in a month and a strong desire not to take any fingers out and actually do something I’m “supposed” to be doing. There’s so much going on, I just don’t want to miss anything.
Laura’s in Spain, that’s kind of weird though I think all this would be even harder if she was around 😐